Warum kann ich nicht schlafen?

I've been essentially done with work for an hour and a half but haven't been able to lug myself into bed. I don't know why, but for some reason... I don't know. I've just been thinking about a lot of unproductive thoughts. About what I've been spending my time at Stanford doing, and how I plan on spending the rest of it. I mean, it kind of sucks that at this point, I have to take a predetermined set of classes if I even want to think about finishing undergrad in 4 years; and it also sucks that after having two years gone by, I haven't really got myself involved in a sustainable activity that I've been super pumped about. It's as if my college time is slipping away from me, and not only is there nothing I can do about it, but I'm not even savoring the time during which it slips away--only am I inanely staring at it. I vid-chatted with a friend of mine from high school, who reminded me to "do what I love and f the rest," but if there's one thing I learned in college, it is that situations are always more complicated than they seem.

I miss being back on the farm (not in a I wish I weren't in Berlin way, but in a I miss traditional college way), and if I were in the real world right now and looked back at my college experience as if I had graduated, I would probably be disappointed in myself. Not because I didn't party enough or anything, but rather that I didn't use my time to learn something unique, useful, and universally applicable in both academia, personal relationships, and the most important of all, that I didn't figure out what makes me happy.

If anything, I've learned that I need to get regular amounts of sleep to function well, and that I worry a LOT, even though I know how much worrying does not help. I've learned that I'm going to be applying for things for the rest of my life, and a lot of times I won't necessary get what I want. To be honest, it's mostly a lot of spring quarter freshmen year irrational state of mind flooding my vulnerable psyche, but whatever it is, it sure isn't helping me sleep.

I guess it is not bad news that I am tired again!