Warum--warum nicht?

It's early Sunday morning, after an otherwise fantastic day. After an amazing Birthday for the Republic of Germany, I had a fantastic dinner and an amazing night with some friends.

At this point of the quarter, I'm not sure how to feel. Incredibly happy, accomplished, relaxed, regretful, depressed: These are all of the feelings I've felt over the past two days, all of which I have tried to attempt to reconcile with my life plan. Unfortunately, I have yet to find one--except I do know that some way, somehow, I want to be happy. Viel Glück, as I would tell myself....

After some cards and some tasty dinner, tonight was relaxing. Some of my friends and I are going to the Spreewald tomorrow to go kayaking, which should be a ton of fun.

But even with that in mind, it's been an hour since I've been home and haven't even been close to finding a way to sleep. After making several bad decisions tonight, involving seeing how some of my friends were doing, I learned that perhaps that the decisions I have made over the past year and a half have in fact NOT maximized my happiness. That in fact, they have created unnecessary anxiety, needless angst, and unfortunate amounts of insecurity which is altogether just not very healthy, either for a student or anyone else.

I don't know what to feel or think. I do know that I wish that somehow, I could escape my negative cognitive schema during times like these to convince myself, like I do most of the time, that things are spectacular and all will be well.

As someone said very well on the episode of "This American Life" which I was listening to while I was on the U-Bahn today: Shit.